Things I Prefer More Than the Law School Library

It’s rare that you’ll find something more depressing than a law school library during exam week. The air is stale. People turn flat, expressionless gazes toward you. Their cheeks always look a little fuller, and you’re never quite sure whether it’s from the inevitable bloat of binge-eating or that their mouth is literally BURSTING with expletives they want to say but can’t because they’re in a library.

Today was the first day of exams. I finished feeling lighter. But not lighter because “ah! how refreshing! one down!” but because “AHHHH MY INSIDES. THAT TEST EVISCERATED ME AND I LACK INTERNAL ORGANS SO NOW I FEEL WEIGHTLESS.”

So to cope, and by that I mean to procrastinate, here are things I prefer more than the law school library.

1. I would prefer to be in a room that didn’t smell like the “Before” part of a Febreze ad.

2. I would prefer roaming in the wilderness (aka backyard) with Panda.

Panda at the farm. He is majestic.

Panda at the farm. He is majestic.

3. I would prefer plucking my arm hair one by one with a blunt pair of tweezers.

4. I would prefer standing in an ant hill and pretending I was undergoing some ant-y apotheosis like Ant Man (seriously, I don’t get this movie) or Valmiki (pre-ant hill engorgement).

5. I would prefer donning a torn bridal dress, painting my face a ghastly shade of green and proposing to randos at the mall.

6. I would prefer rolling through this suspiciously brown patch of garden stuff.

Is this just dirt? I don't know.

Is this just dirt? I don’t know.

7. I would prefer chewing holes in my pajamas.

8. I would prefer performing the “Numa Numa” song in a Teletubby costume.

9. I would prefer reading! All those beautiful releases that are out! My heart!

10. I would prefer eating wasabi. Just wasabi. No sushi. Just one huge pile of nose-burning-oh-my-god-this-spice-is-crazy-it’s-its-own-freaking-element-wasabi.

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